July 4, 2009. I was standing outside the Cobalt in Vancouver with Ken and Denis from SNFU. We were discussing when and where to take some promo shots of the band. With an upcoming album and a tour with no visible end, they could use my services. With camera in hand I thought to myself: ‘just a few months ago, in my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined myself in this situation’. SNFU has been a staple in my life for the past sixteen years and here I was discussing the collision of my two greatest passions, punk rock and photography, with two of the greatest musicians I have the pleasure to know. A pair of familiar eyes catch mine in the crowd. Chi Pig pushes his way through the people and gives me a huge hug. “I was thinking about you while I was on the bus today, you rocked so hard at the Edmonton show” remarked one of my childhood heroes. I have photographs and scars to remember the greatest shows of my life and I don’t intend to sit back away from the chaos anytime soon.
Year of the tiger? Well, I declare it the year of the Cat. I guess you could call me more of a cougar than a tiger, ha ha ha, but yeah, I am thirty now, so that joke isn’t too far off… I have just commemorated the one year anniversary of my rebirth and had the most incredible year of my life because of it. As I sit back and reminisce about the best 365 days that I have ever experienced, I feel like I owe it all to the happenings of one night. The night I was reborn. February 15, 2009. I would call it the official first day of the year of the pig. Allow me to explain.
The back story, which is too pathetic to explain fully, is about how I was in a rut. The gist of it all was that upon graduating high school and in a relationship that felt more important than friends, I shut myself off from the world, sunk into the horrible mentality of the working drone and forgot all that was important. Slowly for the next twelve years, I built this wall. Brick by brick, I lost sight of who I was. During those years, I always had the urge to leap over this wall, but it was much easier to just keep building. To be fair, I have to say I wasn’t miserable. I did a lot of mountain biking, photography and discovered many things that I still love today, but I still felt caged. I was suppressing myself and stifling my flamboyant, confident, punk rawk self. I went to the occasional show, but sat there in the back, just listening to the music, all the while my inner beast was pawing at the all encompassing wall, begging to run full force into the mosh pit screaming at the top of my lungs.
I had moved to Vancouver Island in hopes of liberating myself. Unfortunately I was still having a hard time getting through this wall and it was getting dark in my enclosure. Mike and I had made the trip back to Edmonton to see The Johnsons play their last show with Nathan. He and Nick, guitar/vocals and bass, respectively, had been good friends of mine in high school and there was no way I was going to miss this one. The show was off the hook. I was all caught up in emotion and had energy just urging to burst out of me and yet, I suppressed all urges to jump in the pit and sing and sweat like a crazed beast. No, that poor beast growled from within the brick enclosure, angry at Cat Ashbee for not letting her out. As we drove home, I welled up with regret. I started questioning why I didn’t do what I wanted to do and participate in the action. I used to be in there all the time! I used to be a part of the action. I used to be a part of the scene! The thirteen hour drive back to the west coast alone in my’73 Beetle gave me a lot of time with myself. I sat with my inner beast and we had a talk. She told me I had become too dependent on my partner and forgot who I was. She told me that it was time to wake up and be myself again. We reminisced about when I was playing in a band, living for the moment and glowing with happiness. Surrounded by friends, new ideas, new experiences and new revelations every day. I had to find the real Cat Ashbee again and bring her back.
Feb 15, 2009.
I had a goal to do something I had always wanted to do. I contacted Candlefish Productions and asked if I could photograph the SNFU show. The band I had admired, loved and idolized since junior high. The show that night was approaching and I was in Nanaimo. It was getting late, I was tired and there was still a couple of hours before the show was to start. I wanted to just go home and get into bed. I had almost resigned to doing so, and faced with time to kill was making that horrible decision all the more inviting. The beast growled but reminded me of our conversation we had in that long car ride. So off to the marina for some late night photo projects, some of which are my favorite images to this day. It was the priming that I needed to get my night going. Photography was going to be my sledgehammer.
We get to the show and immediately Chi Pig comes over to us. Remembering us from the past, we chat it up. They take the stage and I sneak a few pictures from the sidelines. It felt good! I had detected a weak spot in the wall and coincidentally, I had my sledgehammer that night.
Suddenly, the beast exploded out into the world in a triumphant leap as I took a swing at the wall. Explosion. I entered the mosh pit with my camera. I thrashed, sang along at the top of my lungs and snapped away. I jumped up on the speaker cabinet on the side of the stage and continued my beastly frolicking. Chi gave me the mic numerous times and we kept linking arms and singing together throughout the set. They stopped playing and I jumped down off the speaker. Chi hopped down and gave me the biggest hug, a kiss on the cheek and words that still ring through my ears like an echo. “You knew all the words to all the songs, AND sang incredibly, Thank-you, that was awesome!” Ken Fleming hopped down at this time, gave me a huge hug and agreed. As I sat there talking to the band through this massive new hole in my brick wall, the dust settled, revealing the spiderweb of cracks I had created.
The ride home was surreal. I was welled up in emotion as if something absolutely amazing had just happened. It did. Little did I know that this was the night I was reborn. I had this hole in that wall. I peered through it and liked what I saw. From that moment on, I resolved to work at getting this wall down and allow my beast freedom.
The aftermath of that night was an avalanche of awesomeness. Apart from the renewed happiness within myself, I was being contacted by more bands who saw and liked my pictures.
The year to follow that night saw me smashing that wall to bits. I conquered my fears and insecurities about independence and regained the confidence that I had lost in myself.
Little by little the pieces shattered and fell into place, building a stellar foundation. I fell in love with Vancouver. I met my heroes. I found myself again.
I stand upon those newly rearranged bricks and look back at the highlights of the Year of the Pig. (Chi Pig, if you haven’t figured out that’s where I was going with that)
There were times during the year that I had to shake my head with disbelief that I was where I was. On tour with SNFU, on stage with DRI in Seattle, in the press pit at GWAR…. I met my astral soul brother, met friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life, took pictures that have given me tingles up my spine, and slept in some memorable places. I was living the dream, I still am.
It is now the year of the Cat. It is my goal to make this one even better than the last. I look forward to that familiar unmistakable blissful feeling of falling asleep when the sun is coming up, deaf from the sound system, sore from the pit, hoarse from singing, drenched in beer and sweat ; with a memory card full of new pictures. This year, just like the last, I will earn more scars and rapidly age this poor body of mine by living the good life in the gutters.
Future it be now
Here you begin live like new
Come to time
Where people talk different but good together
If you heart mind open you receive new knowledge
You have same like electric eye
And heart mind and talk sound
You live fast like light
We have all had brushes with illumination, mine is in Vancouver.
